Press "Enter" to skip to content

Sports: Baboon Makes Medical Decision, Spider Monkeys Throw Poop

When a wealthy athlete is dishonest about shots, unaffected onlookers claim personal offense, inciting dookie tossing mob.

Green Bay, Wisconsin.  Baron Bodgers, the Baboon leader of the Green Bay Zoo monkey pen, has recently been revealed to have contracted a mild form of rabies.

Although the illness is treatable and no other monkeys in the pen were infected, an angry mob of spider monkey’s have demanded discipline for Bodgers.

“He made a personal medical decision that I don’t agree with, and although it doesn’t affect me in any conceivable way, he needs to apologize and do what I tell him to do.” states one of the silly monkeys that answers to his Twitter handle of “poo-fingers”. “He may have the best medical staff that money can buy, and near constant medical testing”, he continues while nervously smelling his fingers, “but he selfishly risked the lives of all the other baboons that also go through constant, rigorous testing and medical observation.  He can’t just keep that private decision private.  He has to tell us everything that he does in his life or so help me I will throw excrement all over this place!”

Bodgers initially responded by making a public statement taunting the poo tossers.  He did so by ironically citing the advice of a highly-criticised podcaster.  The silly monkeys were easily baited, leading to a malestrom of flying Lincoln logs in and around the Green Bay Zoo.

“Feces of this shape and consistency tells us that the monkeys are really emotional right now.” States zoo keeper Todd.  “None of us at the zoo really care because he’ll just get treatment and recover, but the spider monkeys are acting like Baron owes them something.”

While this writer couldn’t care less about what some distant animal that I’ve never met decides to do with his army of doctors and millions of dollars, spider monkeys apparently do not have enough distractions in their lives to feel guilty about their hypocritical brand of bullying. 

And since the poop is currently hitting the fan, it is our responsibility to help spread it for our loyal animal lovers. Enjoy!

Be First to Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.